Am I really lovable like that?
(Slightly revised version from an original post on March 2017)
Do For One is a relationship-building program that brings isolated people into greater community life. We selectively match one person with developmental disabilities (‘partner’) with another person who enjoys a more socially included life (‘advocate’).
As a matchmaker and supporter of matches, I have been reflecting on the fears that people with disabilities are facing when entering into relationships. While I’ve been somewhat prepared for the fears that advocates have in responding to someone in need, what I was less prepared for is the fear that people with disabilities have with this idea of relating to someone who is both non-staff and non-disabled.
Recently, I was at a support group which consisted of about 35 adults with intellectual disabilities. In clarifying the type of service Do For One offers, one staff member asked the group, “How many of you have ever had an unpaid and non-disabled friend?” Once it was clarified that she was not asking about friendly paid staff or others who have a disability receiving the same services, not a single person raised their hand.
I’m reminded that while advocates are fearful of the unknown when entering the relationship, people with disabilities might also fear the unknown when entering the relationship with someone who is both non-staff and non-disabled. There seems to be an underlying question coming from many wounded people, “Am I really lovable like that?”
Let us not be discouraged! After all, the most precious gifts in life are often in the most difficult things. Let us look at three key concepts that help guide us through these social dynamics and discover the gifts found in our relationships between people with and without disabilities.
First, people with disabilities are all individuals with totally different circumstances and should be defined more by who they are and their individual story than by the fact that they have a disability. People’s needs and interests will differ widely and therefore we must be prepared to respond accordingly; this is why relationship is at the center of how we respond to people’s need for support. Theology Professor and Disability Advocate, Nancy Eiesland helped me to understand that people with disabilities don’t identify with each other because of their similarities in bodily or mental function, but they identify with each other because of the way that society at large treats them, namely, with negative stigma and exclusion.
People with disabilities are wounded from oppressive circumstances and need people who are in good standing within a community (and not just in human services) to be bridge builders to community life. Unique gifts and talents that are brought to the heart of community will lift the social status of an individual. Positive representation through friendship works powerfully when working to reverse negative stigma and the downward spiral of further wounding experiences.
Secondly, wounded people will expect relationships to fail. They may not have the skills to deepen the relationship or to maintain a hopeful outlook as the relationship ebbs and flows. At times the relationship may not be fully reciprocal and a wounded person will need someone to be understand that they are battling many discouraging thoughts of feeling unlovable. This is when the advocate needs to take the initiative to guide the relationship along.
It is important to accept that wounded people will need support for the rest of their life and there is no “one-time fix-all” solution. This does not mean that advocates are to address every area of support. What I hope you can see is that the many little, but persistent responses to the person over the long run will reverse their expectations of rejection. This kind of loyalty helps them find the road to healing.
Lastly, it is vital to believe that such relationships are possible! After all, the dreams and desires of people with and without disabilities are basically the same. We all have basic desires in our lives for love, security, and a place to belong. Most of these needs can only be met through freely given and personal relationships. Relationships between people with and without disabilities are even more likely to happen when people are invited into them by others who’ve done it themselves and when people are asked to do something for another person that they already feel equipped for and are passionate about.
These relationships can come at a cost, but a highly worthy one. We are standing with people who are always at risk of being marginalized, so we ourselves, to some degree, become marginalized too. Relationships across these barriers are transformative, developing courage, patience, humor, and forgiveness in ways that would have never otherwise been possible. It is here we find that we too are needy people asking the same question about ourselves: “Am I really lovable like that?” It is here we find Life’s most profound Passions and Joy. It is here we find what Christian tradition has called the “Hidden Christ.”
Inspired by Jesus’ words, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me,” Do For One invites us to treasure an opportunity to align ourselves with those who are considered least important in our society, not only because they’ve become our friend, but because we realize that such an opportunity is sacred.
Andrew